I'm Not Supermom... and Neither are You
Last week (on Mother's Day), I was asked to talk in church. Since it was Mother's Day, I chose to focus my talk on mothers... and I took a little different tack than some might have. Since I made some excellent points (if I do say so myself) which I REALLY need to remember in my own life, I'm going to post the text here - in case it can help anyone else. :)
I think many of us have friends like this friend of mine who is intimidatingly impressive.
She has a beautiful house which is always tastefully decorated with charming handmade decorations for any holiday that is coming up. She cooks gourmet meals - and her children eat those meals without complaint or asking to eat cereal instead.
She can craft and sew beautifully and uses those skills to make thoughtful gifts for others. She's involved in the community. She's a loving and involved mother. She's successful in her career and a devoted wife. She is the epitome of a SuperMom.
And I… am not. My house is messy and if there are holiday decorations around they’re probably from a holiday that ended at least a few weeks ago. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t bother very often because my kids are too picky to want to eat what I cook. I don’t make pancakes in the morning because we don’t have time for that kind of thing – thank goodness they serve breakfast at school.
So I’m not SuperMom. What’s more, I’m going to guess that none of you are, either – at least not all the time. I think we all have our moments of Supermom-ness, but maintaining that level of perfection on a day-to-day, 24/7 basis is just not possible. Even my friend must have some areas of her life where she is not confident and competent and enviously photogenic. I certainly don’t know what those areas might be, but I reassure myself that they must surely exist.
So we’re not perfect, but the good news is that we don’t HAVE to be perfect. In a talk from a few years back, I found a quote that I think I need to take as a new mantra. Brother Jon Fish said, “As Latter-day Saints we have been taught to strive for perfection. I think my parents must have been aware of the potential for discouragement that a quest for perfection can bring. They told me on many occasions, “This doesn’t have to be perfect, only sufficient.” That gave me comfort.”
I find that very comforting as well! As much as we wish for and work toward perfection, especially when it comes to our role as mothers, sometimes we can remind ourselves that “This doesn’t have to be perfect, only sufficient.”
Jeffrey R. Holland also offered a wonderful piece of reassurance to hold onto when you’re having a rough time. He said that, “If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.”
Whew! So now we can relax, right? We don’t have to be perfect and as long as we’re trying our best, we’re all set. We’ll all stop stressing and worrying about things now. … I think we all know that it’s not that easy to let go of our urge to be a perfect supermom. So I think that the key may be that we should stop trying to be all things wonderful at all times, and instead narrow our focus to the things that we really find important. Strive for perfection in those areas, and for the rest – maybe you can let imperfection be sufficient.
Continuing with the talk from Elder Holland about doing our best as parents, he said:
“One young mother wrote to me recently that her anxiety [about motherhood] tended to come on three fronts. One was that whenever she heard talks on LDS motherhood, she worried because she felt she didn’t measure up or somehow wasn’t going to be equal to the task. Secondly, she felt like the world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design, Latin, calculus, and the Internet—all before the baby said something terribly ordinary, like “goo goo.” Thirdly, she often felt people were sometimes patronizing, almost always without meaning to be, because the advice she got or even the compliments she received seemed to reflect nothing of the mental investment, the spiritual and emotional exertion, the long-night, long-day, stretched-to-the-limit demands that sometimes are required in trying to be and wanting to be the mother God hopes she will be.
“But one thing, she said, keeps her going: “Through the thick and the thin of this, and through the occasional tears of it all, I know deep down inside I am doing God’s work. I know that in my motherhood I am in an eternal partnership with Him. I am deeply moved that God finds His ultimate purpose and meaning in being a parent, even if some of His children make Him weep.
“It is this realization,” she says, “that I try to recall on those inevitably difficult days when all of this can be a bit overwhelming. Maybe it is precisely our inability and anxiousness that urge us to reach out to Him and enhance His ability to reach back to us. Maybe He secretly hopes we will be anxious,” she said, “and will plead for His help. Then, I believe, He can teach these children directly, through us, but with no resistance offered. I like that idea,” she concludes. “It gives me hope. If I can be right before my Father in Heaven, perhaps His guidance to our children can be unimpeded. Maybe then it can be His work and His glory in a very literal sense.”
What a great reminder that we’re not in this alone! Many of us are lucky enough to have a partner in parenting, friends, or family who can help us when we are particularly worn down by the demands of life and motherhood. ALL of us are blessed enough to have a Father in Heaven who is there for us and ready to reach out his hand and help us.
Elder Holland concluded his talk with the admonition that we must, “Rely on [Christ]. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” And it will make your children whole as well.”
So what does it look like to rely on Christ to help us along this path to mothering perfection?
An article in the July 2001 Ensign – titled “A Better Mother, with the Lord’s Help” offers some helpful and concrete strategies. I encourage you to read the whole article, but I am going to share with you a few of the things that most resonated with me. Sister Carol Burr shared:
“The first thing I do is make a conscious effort to change the way I look at motherhood, especially during stressful moments when a child is crying or covered in dirt or refuses to obey. I try to think eternally, remembering my role as a mother in the eternal scheme of things. … when I am seeing things with an eternal perspective … our interactions are more peaceful and patient."
“When I feel tense or pushed to the breaking point, I ask myself what the Lord might do in a similar situation, and then I follow what I think His example would be. Usually this requires adjusting my goals or priorities to match those of the Savior. Switching gears is hard, but having my children come to me in moments of upset has enriched the love I feel for them and for motherhood."
“I have found that prayer has greatly increased my ability to cope with the demands of motherhood and to enhance my relationship with my children. There are times when I want to lock myself alone in my bedroom for a good cry. When I feel this low, I pray for an increase of patience, understanding, and love toward my children. I pray for guidance and specific ideas that will help my children come to me and all of us to come to Christ. Sometimes when I pray, I am blessed to feel confident and capable; other times I have a particular idea come to mind. I always feel strength from my Savior, buoying me up and comforting me."
“The Savior’s example in dealing with others helps me overcome stress and discouragement and find joy with my children.”
As much as we are focused on our children and doing all we can to teach them and raise them in righteousness, we cannot forget our responsibility to care for our own spiritual health and well-being. Treating ourselves right in this area will only help us to be better mothers and teachers.
In his talk during the October 2015 conference, Russel M. Nelson reminded us of the importance of nurturing our own faith.
“Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly.
“Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation. We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms. We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve.
My dear sisters, nothing is more crucial to your eternal life than your own conversion. It is converted, covenant-keeping women… whose righteous lives will increasingly stand out in a deteriorating world and who will thus be seen as different and distinct in the happiest of ways.”
So to sum up… do your best, but accept that sometimes things do not have to be perfect, only sufficient. Allow Christ’s example to be your guide as you find your way. Take time for yourself to nurture your own faith and spiritual well-being; this will help you to do your best as a mother.
Be kind and non-judgmental – not only toward others, but toward yourself. To quote a meme I ran across on Facebook,
And finally, take these loving words from President Monson to heart:
Amen
